One thing I have learned these past few months that I have been on hiatus from writing is that our existence is finite and I must do everything I can to live the life that was given to me in this borrowed time.
Maybe that is one of the reasons why I haven’t been able to bring myself to sit down and start writing again, because I wanted to live in the moment. I wanted to make sure that I take a mental picture of everything that was in front of me. Because if I don’t, I will forget. And I don’t want to forget.
Losing my mother last year was definitely the most painful experience I’ve ever had. My mom, being the only person that I have left since my Dad died. The only person I run to whenever I need to feel protected and secured. And before any of you says it, you’re right. Just like any other mother-daughter relationship, we don’t always see eye to eye. We are probably one another’s worst nemesis, but we knew deep down in our hearts that we are in this thing together. I knew in my heart that I always got her and she always got me.
I didn’t know I was capable of bearing this much pain until I had no choice but to do so. I had to see her in her death bed and watch her let go. Every day since that day has been painful, it was the memory that always first comes to mind whenever I open my eyes. It is a nightmare I now have to live with every second of my life.
And as much as I don’t want to feel this kind of pain, this pain feels as if it is the last string that’s connecting me to my mother and I am clinging onto it as long as I could. Because not feeling any of this would only mean that she is really gone and that’s something that I am not yet ready to face. I am not yet ready to live in a world without my mother or even just the thought of her. Right now, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that she is there somewhere, watching over me and guiding me like always.
Even though everything has been becoming more painful each day, life has shown me that there are still so many pages in this book ahead of me. There is still that fairytale that I haven’t come across yet. And even though I feel guilty being happy without my mom, I know that I deserve to live in this fairytale too. Even just for a while. And I wouldn’t take that away from me because I know that my 7-year-old self has daydreamed of all this for years.
The world is vast and the possibilities are endless. Who would have thought that it is still possible to find a love that is real and pure?
Ending up with someone who made me see that the world can still be beautiful is rare and this is something that I will not allow myself to let go of. After all the pain, I am now about to marry someone who was there for me through the toughest time of my life. The man who showed me that love is easy and peaceful. That love shouldn’t hurt, EVER.
Last year was an adventure. It was a roller coaster ride where I felt lost and just wanted to get off of for the longest time. I’ve had my share of joy, grief, and everything in between. But as I look back to it, it was the kind of adventure that turned me into a different person. A person who is stronger and capable of doing big things. Was I thankful for this growth? Yes. Do I think all the pain was worth it? No. Nothing will ever make me feel better about losing my mom, not even the thought of “growing” and becoming “stronger”. But do I even have a choice? I don’t.
Right now all that I’m left with are my hopes. Hope that things will start to get lighter through time. Hope that I will become happy again. So happy that it makes the pain even just a bit bearable.
Though I live each day with a heavy heart and pain that this too much to bear, I am powering through just so I could see the light at the end of all this. I am here to see the good things that are coming my way and I will live this life to the fullest. Just like how my mom would want me to.
This year, I am living the life I have always dreamt of. I am not taking NO for an answer and I am not tolerating any disrespect or negative energies.
This year, IT’S MY TURN!
Marge Villaester 