I am currently going through a massive transition in my life for both my career and personal life. To start with, I was recently diagnosed with panic disorder and I really don’t know how to grasp that thought or even start to ponder on it. I have always took pride in being the kind of person who does not dwell too much on negativity. I have always been the girl who sees the good in every situation–The strong one, the one who does not need anyone. The feeling is new. Alienating, rather.
Allow me to start talking about the one that I struggle with the most, my mental health. Though I am a fully functioning and happy for most times, I must admit that there have been lots of random breakdowns in between. The alienating anxiety and breakdowns started when things in my head went berserk, when my partner’s long term ex suddenly showed up in one of our events and when my used to be unlimited social battery began to be drained.
I hate getting affected by other people, especially those who are irrelevant to me. But seeing that person whom my partner had so much history with really triggered a lot of unknown emotions to me. I’m not mad at anyone. I don’t blame them for how I felt either. I like to acknowledge that my feelings are valid and it’s okay to feel things without having to explain them.
Talking to a professional was tough as I have always been in denial of my struggles. It was hard for me to get to the roots of what I’m currently going through. I know it’s more than just his ex. It was also about personal things that I have long decided to brush off as if they never happened. On the other hand, finally being diagnosed and talking to someone who understands what was going on in my head has helped a lot to clear the cobwebs that have been inside it for as long as I can remember.
Another life changing decision that I made recently is to leave the job that has been my lifelong dream. Struggling with my mental health while trying to live up to what was expected of me at work has been really challenging. Those random panic attacks in the bathroom cubicle and having to come out happy and professional really took its toll on me. I had to drag myself to work daily and I know that I can never have any good excuse for being incompetent.
But what happens when you finally choose to leave your lifelong dream? What are you going to be left with?
Arriving at the decision of leaving my dream job crippled me with fear. I didn’t know where I would begin or how. What will be my next move? What else will be left for me to pursue?
I have always been the woman who was on-the-go, the one who loves going to meetings and talking to people. Unfortunately, my anxiety took that woman away from me. I started feeling grumpy and not wanting to socialize with anybody. What makes it twice as frustrating is knowing deep inside me that it’s not the real me and not knowing what I can do to fix it. Is there a cure? Will medication work? Should I start doing yoga? I was desperate for answers.
Staying at home was never part of my narrative. I never liked being stagnant and lack of productivity. But this time, I really need to take a breather and rest. This decision will affect my life extravagantly, most especially, financially.
Luckily, I have the best partner to support me in making these nerve-wracking decisions. He was there to calm me down and hold my hand while I recover from a breakdown, he never got tired of whispering the most reassuring words until I smile, and he wholeheartedly offered everything that he has so we can make ends meet and I will not have to worry about our financial responsibilities.
And though I really struggled in maintaining my personal relationships, my friends and family, whom I never really needed to maintain, stayed as I weather through the storms that come my way. They never fail to let me know of their presence without ever pressuring me to open up about anything until I was ready.
All in all, the past few months was a season of transition for me, and I must say I am now in a much better place–A much clearer head space. I am now a full time freelancer and I have already started talking to potential clients, giving me more time to focus on our small businesses. I now have a bigger appreciation of my relationships and I am slowly recharging my social battery which has been drained for a while now.
I honestly have no idea what lies ahead but what I know for sure is that God always provides, I have the best support system and I shall never take those for granted. I am still not fully recovered from my panic disorder, but I can feel that I am finally getting better.
I will forever be grateful to be blessed with the best people to go through this with. My Ken Ken, who never left my side since Day 1 and never said any unkind words even when I get too frustrating at times. For always being the most understanding and for always going out of his way to surprise me and make me smile. My friends, who are always ready to listen whenever I have a sudden jolt of energy to communicate and catch up, and of course, my family, who calls me from time to time just to see how I’m doing and checks on my mental health whenever they can.
To God, thank You for the strength to pull through. I know this is all You and You have plans for me. I lift everything up to You. I know You got me!
Marge Villaester 